DRIVING MOM AND DAD TO THE BRINK!
It is summertime, and the living is not exactly easy.
Why? Simple. It’s that stressful time of the year again when American families take part in that time-honored tradition, The Summer Vacation in Florida.
Each July, thousands of Americans escape the heat and humidity of mid-America to journey to Florida, where the daily high temperature is 97%, the humidity is 90%, and the heat index is approximately the same at Ted Williams lifetime batting average.
Next February, these same families will escape the ice and snow of mid-America by taking ski trips to Colorado where the wind-chill factor will be 30 below zero.
For Tennesseans, the destination for the annual summer vacation in Florida is the Redneck Riviera. It is the beach within reach for Tennesseans if you consider a fifteen hour drive a “reach” rather than a “stretch.”
The summer vacation at the Redneck Riviera is quite an adventure particularly for those of us who are blessed to be moms or dads. The excitement begins with a marathon ride to Florida through scenic Mississippi.
In December, for a daddy, the three most terrifying words in the English language are “Some assembly required.”
But in July, the five most exasperating words in the English language are, “Are we there yet, Daddy?”
For 15 mind-boggling hours, Daddy-the-Mini-Van-Driver hears an endless chorus of “Are we there yet, Daddy?”
Daddy must greet each chorus by calmly responding, “No, kids. We have at least ten more hours of driving before we get to pay to watch some redneck wrestle an alligator.”
Daddy-the-Mini-Van-Driver must have the patience of Job, the diplomacy skills of Henry Kissinger, and the driving abilities of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Once you arrive at the Redneck Riviera, there is no shortage of family entertainment. Among the attractions are Goofy Golf Courses, waterslides, go-cart race tracks (for moms and dads who want to just do a little more driving), a wax museum, and the aforementioned “Gatorama” where a fellow dressed like Marlin Perkins wrestles alligators.
Oh, and by the way, there is also a beach that runs alongside the Gulf of Mexico, although the waves in the
Gulf pale in comparison to those that you can find at the Surf-A-Rama Water Theme Park.
But despite the 15 hour drives and the endless hours of Goofy Golf, a summer vacation at the Redneck Riviera has one benefit for a mom or dad.
It makes us actually look forward to the peace and quiet we will experience in a few weeks when the kids are back in school, we are off the highway, and back in our office!