Bill's Blog


Posted on January 9th, 2015

It is the first week of the new year, and I’m fighting a losing battle to keep my New Year’s resolutions. 

A wise man once said that a New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. 

In a similar vein, Oscar Wilde once said that New Year’s resolutions “are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” 

I’m afraid that in the first few days of the new year, I have written several bad checks, or at least checks that will soon bounce. 

Like most folks, my New Year’s resolution has been to lose some weight. It’s not the first time, nor the last, I’ve made such a New Year’s resolution. 

I make such a resolution each January 1 for the simple reason that between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve, I pretty much eat non-stop. Consequently, at the end of the festive holiday season, I bear far too much of a resemblance to either Santa Claus, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, or one of those floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

Each January, I begin a new calendar year by heading for the gym and trying desperately to deprive myself of all the sweets I devoured during the month of December. 

I am not alone in the pursuit of this resolution. Just turn on your television this week and you will see an endless series of commercials for diets and fitness machines. The stars of these commercials are always skinny actors who obviously have no need for either the diets or the exercise equipment. 

Like most folks, I remain resolute in the pursuit of my resolutions during the month of January. But then comes February and with it the advent of the one thing that always ends my weight loss resolutions … Girl Scout Cookies! 

You read that right, Samoa breath! Girl Scout Cookies!

There are three great events each February: Groundhog’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and above all, the arrival of Girl Scout Cookies! My daughter, Her Royal Highness The Princess, was a Girl Scout, and she would still be one if they had a Girl Scout Troop at the University of Virginia.

For many years, the Princess and her sister scouts sold Girl Scout Cookies each February, and I was their number 1 customer. In the process, I became addicted to Dosey Does, Tagalongs, Trefoils, Samoas (as in “I want some mo’a!”) and Thin Mints.

Thin Mints rank right up there along with “Jumbo Shrimp” as one of the English language’s top oxymorons, inasmuch as there is nothing thin about a Thin Mint.

Although my daughter is now retired from Girl Scouts, I still manage to find Girl Scout Cookies each February. I can smell them and track them down like an English Springer Spaniel flushing out a bird.

And while at this very moment I am munching a carrot, I am fantasizing that I am sinking my teeth into a shortbread Trefoil, a peanut butter Dosey Doe, or the newest Girl Scout Cookie, a Toffee-Tastic. It is a commentary on how addicted I am to Girl Scout Cookies that I actually know the name of the newest cookie in the 2015 line. 

My New Year’s resolution will soon be doomed. My only hope is to check into the Betty Ford Center for Girl Scout Cookie Recovery. 

I hear treatment there costs a lot of dough and is ultimately pretty crummy. 

And so as I munch on a celery stick, I’ll leave you with the wisdom of the great Mark Twain who wrote the following on New Year’s Day, 1863: 

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving Hell with them as usual. Yesterday everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink, and swore his last oath. … Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever. We shall also reflect pleasantly on how we did the same old thing last year about this time. However, go in community. New Year’s is a harmless annual institution of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions…. 

With that, let me get back to my Lean Cuisine Asparagus Delight, and for dessert, a Snackwell Cookie that tastes like cardboard. In just a little over a month, I’ll reward myself by consuming an entire box of Samoas!


Randal Sellers: Bill apparently believes in the adage: "You can never be too thin." Anyone who has run at least one full marathon (none of the weenie 1/2 marathons for Bill) for each of the past several dozen years should not be heard to complain about weight or will power!

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