Girding Our Loins: Will Real Men Wear Girdles?
As a life-long member of the male gender, I have always felt that men have two advantages over women. First, we wear sensible shoes. Second, we wear loose underwear.
I truly believe that high-heeled pumps are the result of a decades-long conspiracy between women’s shoe manufacturers and podiatrists. You’ve come a long way, baby! But you are still wearing these ridiculous shoes that force you to walk around all day on your tiptoes like a ballerina traversing a high-wire over the Grand Canyon.
We menfolk, on the other hand (actually, the other foot) wear wingtips that enable our entire feet to remain firmly on the ground.
And underwear? Well, underneath her sensible business suit, your typical female lawyer is wearing a bra, panties, pantyhose, a corset, and maybe even a girdle. Most of us menfolk on the other hand (actually, the other cheek) wear nothing under our suits other than an old worn-out pair of underwear that resembles Tarzan’s loincloth. We menfolk have long subscribed to the view expressed by a men’s underwear commercial a generation ago: “Nothing goes right when your underwear’s tight!”
But hold on to your boxers, my fellow fellows! According to a recent article in Time, men all across America will soon be changing their underwear, which is generally a good idea, but in this case, we will not be slipping in to something more comfortable.
I don’t know a gentle way of putting this, so let me be brief, so to speak. According to Time, American men may soon be wearing girdles.
The latest trend in men’s underfashion is something called “compression precision underwear.” It is underwear that will actually make a man look at least five pounds thinner. It is sort of the opposite of a Wonder Bra.
Why in the world, you ask, would we menfolk give up Tarzan’s loincloth for manny hose? Well, the unfortunate truth is that about 40% of American men are now “obese.” This is a medical term meaning “fat as a pig.”
You see, there is one thing we menfolk like just as much as comfortable shoes and loose underwear. We like to eat. We like to eat manly food, not Belgian endive salads or tofu croissants with water chestnuts. No, we menfolk like to eat fried chicken, and not that sissy grilled kind KFC is now trying to force feed us.
But as a result of eating all that fried chicken and other greasy foods, we menfolk have now even outgrown our Tarzan loincloths. We are bulging at the seams, literally. Since we don’t want to quit eating or, heaven forbid, do any exercise other than riding a golf cart, some men are apparently now willing to gird their loins by wearing spandex girdles or straitjacket t-shirts.
Well, I don’t care how fat I get, I am not going to start using a shoe horn to squeeze my big belly into a pair of spandex underoos.
I’ll put on a girdle about the same time I strap on a pair of high-heel wing-tipped pumps.
Comments
Peggy McClure: Got news for you, guys. All women don't wear girdles and if they do, it's their choice! No guy should put themselves through that either! Pantyhose are bad enough for women, but spandex underpants for men?!??!?!
tom corts: but won't my thighs still look fat?
Allen: It is well settled history that high heels were designed by a gay man who hated his mother.
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