Halloween is a Conspiracy of the American Dental Association

            Saturday night is Halloween, that special annual night when neighborhoods across America are invaded by millions of little yard apes dressed like ghosts and goblins.  These little monsters appear on our front porches, ring our doorbells, and demand that we give them candy bars.

            I don’t mean to sound like the Grinch Who Stole Halloween, but I’m convinced that this annual event is the result of a conspiracy by the American Dental Association.

            Each October 31st every kid in America under the age of 18 is given enough cavity-filled treats to support every dentist in America for an entire year.

            I will be personally responsible for one of the little yard apes who will be terrorizing my neighborhood next Saturday night.

            For the past few weeks, my daughter, Her Royal Highness the Princess, has been preparing for Halloween in much the same manner that the United States Marines prepare for an amphibious landing.  She has charted a course through our neighborhood designed to maximize the recovery of Snickers, Milky Ways, Milk Duds, and GooGoo Clusters.

            Based on past Halloweens and highly sophisticated intelligence operations, the Princess knows exactly which neighbors pass out what sort of treats on Halloween night.  For example, she knows that Mrs. Nichols around the corner is a health nut who enjoys a holistic multi-grain vegetarian lifestyle.  Consequently on Halloween night, she passes out carrot sticks and tofu bars.

            She must be avoided at all costs.

            On the other hand, the Princess knows that Dr. Jones up the street is a chain-smoking retired physician who has a cholesterol count of over 400.  On Halloween night, he’ll be passing out Snickers bars dipped in egg yolk.  If we don’t watch him carefully, he’ll also pass out cigarettes.

            The Princess plans on hitting his house at least three times.

            The Princess has also spent several hours selecting her costume.  She wants to wear the most terrifying costume imaginable.  Accordingly, after giving the matter due consideration, she decided to dress as Sarah Palin.

            My wife and I vetoed this costume since we didn’t want to create a wholesale panic throughout the neighborhood.

            The Princess then suggested she go trick-or-treating dressed as Nancy Pelosi.  Once again, my wife and I had to tell her that it is one thing to dress up in scary outfits, but it is another to cause our neighbors to have heart attacks.

            Finally, she decided to go trick-or-treating dressed as Hillary Rodham Clinton.  It will still be a pretty scary sight, but at least she’ll be wearing a nice pink pantsuit.

            I’m thinking about joining the Princess on Halloween night for a little trick-or-treating myself.  I’d love to snarf down a couple of GooGoo Clusters, and I’ve already picked out a pretty scary costume of my own.  I’m going to go dressed as a Northwest pilot.