How to Become a United States Supreme Court Justice

            Last week, United States Supreme Court Associate Justice John Paul Stevens announced that he will soon be retiring from the Nation’s highest court.  I am sure that when you heard the announcement, you immediately asked yourself, “Hey, what do I have to do to get President Obama to appoint me to this opening on the United States Supreme Court?”

            After all, being a Supreme Court justice is a great job.  You never get fired.  You have the job until you die or decide to retire.  And it must be a really nice job, since unlike Justice Stevens, most Supreme Court justices do not retire.  They just work until they die.  As they used to say in the Old West, they die with their boots on, or in this case, their robes on.

            I have given a lot of thought over the last few days as to what I could do to get appointed to the United States Supreme Court.  I have thought about it late at night as I am sitting in my recliner, flipping channels, and also considering such issues as how I can win the Powerball lottery or how I might revive my childhood dream of playing second base for the St. Louis Cardinals.

            I seriously doubt I will win the Powerball.  The problem is that I haven’t bought a ticket, and have it on good authority that if you don’t buy a ticket, it is very unlikely you will win the Powerball.  And at the age of 57, I am a little bit past my prime for playing second base for the Cardinals.  Maybe I could be a designated hitter.

            But I am absolutely the right age to be a United States Supreme Court Justice.  And I look the part.  It’s been said that to be a Supreme Court Justice, you need two things:  Gray hair and hemorrhoids; the gray hair to make you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids to make you look concerned.  Well, I’ve got the gray hair, and as for the other issue, well, that’s really none of your business.

            I don’t want to be selfish in my pursuit of a position on the Nation’s highest court.  Therefore, as a public service, for all you justice wannabes, here is a user-friendly list of the five easy steps you need to take to be appointed a United States Supreme Court Justice:

            STEP ONE – Graduate from an Ivy League law school.  This is an absolute requirement.  Unfortunately, you can’t graduate from just any Ivy League law school.  You have to graduate from either Harvard or Yale.  A marginal Ivy League law school like Cornell just won’t cut it.

            A few years ago, President George W. Bush nominated White House Legal Counsel Harriet Miers for the United States Supreme Court.  Unfortunately, he had to quickly withdraw the nomination when everyone found out that she is a graduate of Southern Methodist University Law School.  SMU is an outstanding law school, but it is not in the Ivy League.  It’s in Conference USA, and therefore, it is a dead end if you are trying to get on the Supreme Court.  The same is true for Vanderbilt, Duke, North Carolina and other basketball law schools.

            Since I am a proud graduate of the Big Orange College of Law, I unfortunately, like Harriet Miers, do not meet the threshold requirement for serving on the United States Supreme Court.  But if you are a graduate of Harvard or Yale Law School, go on to Step Two.  Otherwise, do not pass go, and do not collect $200, or in this case, a set of black robes.

            STEP TWO – Upon graduating from Harvard or Yale Law School, do not – repeat –do not go out into the real world.  Do not go into private law practice or business or do anything practical.  Instead, get a job as a clerk to a United States Supreme Court Justice.  If you can’t get that job, become a clerk to a judge on any United States Circuit Court of Appeals, but preferably the D.C. circuit.

            STEP THREE – Upon completion of your clerkship, again (and I cannot over emphasize this), do not go out into the real world.  Any real world experience you obtain will automatically disqualify you for a position on the United States Supreme Court.  If you really feel like you have to practice law, go to some big firm in New York or Washington, D.C. where you never – repeat – never – appear in a courtroom.  The last person the President will appoint to the United States Supreme Court is some trial lawyer who has actually argued a case in front of a jury.

            STEP FOUR – Do not exercise your rights under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution.  Don’t speak out on public issues, and for God’s sakes, don’t write about public issues.  If you do, this will create what journalists call a “paper trail,” and if you want to be on the United States Supreme Court some day, you cannot have a paper trial detailing your positions on political or legal issues.  If you do have a paper trail, it is highly unlikely the President of the United States will ever nominate you for the United States Supreme Court.  And even if he does, the Senate will not confirm your nomination.  In fact, they will probably filibuster it.

            STEP FIVE – Get appointed a federal appellate judge, preferably on the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals.  You have to start somewhere on your road to becoming a United States Supreme Court Justice, and that “somewhere” is pretty high up the judicial food chain.  The biggest mistake you can make in this regard is to start out as a trial judge.  Being a trial judge is almost as fatal to your Supreme Court ambition as being a trial lawyer.  Again, no President – whether a Republican, a Democrat or a Tea Partier – is ever going to appoint to the United States Supreme Court someone with any real world experience in the legal profession.  If you become a United States District Court Judge, you are stuck in that lousy job for the rest of your life.  Do you remember the last time a President of the United States appointed a trial judge to the United States Supreme Court?  I rest my case.

            So there you have it.  Five easy steps to being appointed a United States Supreme Court Justice!

            If you meet all of these qualifications, please send your application to:

                        The Honorable Barack Hussein Obama

                        President of the United States of America

                        1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

                        Washington, D.C.

                        Attention:  Rahm Emanuel

            If you wish to discuss your application, please call the White House at 1-800-SUPREMES!  Our operators are standing by!