I’m Bill Haltom, and I Would Approve this Message

            This coming Tuesday is Election Day, and I think I speak for all of us when I say it can’t come a moment too soon.

            There is an old political adage that says that Americans do not turn their attention to a Presidential or Congressional campaign until after the World Series.  But this statement was made back in the days when the World Series was played in October, not November, and political campaigns lasted at most months, not years.   

            Unfortunately, as we all know, the 2012 Presidential election campaign will start next Wednesday, the day after the Congressional elections, and will continue nonstop for the next two years. 

            Political campaigns were bad enough even back in the good old days when they didn’t start until after the Yankees had won the World Series, even if it took seven games.  But now, political campaigns are so awful they run for at least half the football season, through the American League and National League Championship Series, and absolutely ruin everything, including Halloween.   

            If you have turned on your television any time over the last few months to see a baseball game or a football game or a movie or just to watch the weather forecast, you’ve been forced to watch non-stop commercials featuring angry, self-righteous politicians screaming that their opponent is a complete jerk, liar and a horse thief, and promising that if you elect him (the candidate in the commercial, not the opposing jerk/liar/horse thief), he will go to Washington, kick everybody in sight in their political fannies, and straighten the nation’s whole mess out.   

            And then at the end of the commercial, the candidate who was so mad during the course of the commercial will appear smiling and looking very peaceful and happy and will announce, “I am Ernest T. Bass, and I approved this message!” 

            And then, just as that commercial has faded from view, Ernest T. Bass’ opponent will appear on the screen denouncing all of the “negative campaigning and personal attacks being launched on me by Ernest T. Bass!”  This candidate will vow that he is running a “positive campaign”, and then spend the rest of the commercial positively telling us that the real jerk/liar/ horse thief is Ernest T. Bass, not him.   

            And then at the end of that commercial, the candidate will appear on the screen grinning from ear to ear, and will announce, “I’m Briscoe Darling, and I approved this message!” 

            And then, before we can get back to the football game, there will be a whole series of ads that supposedly do not come from either Ernest T. Bass or Briscoe Darling.  They will come from so-called independent groups with names such as “The People for Truth, Justice, and the American Way” or “Old Geezers Opposed to a Health Care Program Run by the Federal Government with the Exception of Medicare.”  In these ads, we will be warned that either Ernest T. Bass or Briscoe Darling is a dangerous man who is out to destroy the American way of life, and must be stopped at all costs, even if it means that “The People for Truth Justice, and the American Way” or “Old Geezers Opposed to a Health Care Program run by the Federal Government, with the Exception of Medicare” must spend millions of dollars to get the truth out about these two evil men. 

            Well, my fellow Americans, I have had it with Ernest T, Briscoe and all those so-called independent groups who constantly appear on my TV screen telling me that (a) they have all the answers, and (b) their opponent is a cross between Bernie Madoff and Osama bin Laden.   

            Call me naïve (or call me a cab), but I am hoping that as we approach the 2012 elections (starting, of course, next Wednesday), we will see at least one political commercial that goes something like this:

            Hi, folks.  I’m gonna make this fast because I don’t have much money for commercials, and besides, you and I both wanna watch the ballgame, now don’t we?       

            I am Barney Fife, and though I ought to have my head examined, I am running for Congress.  And here’s my platform.      

           I don’t have all the answers.  In fact, I hardly have any answers.  I just have a lot of questions, like why is everybody in Washington so angry with each other and calling each other names?   

          There are a lot of folks a lot smarter than I am, and many of them are probably in the opposing party, so if you elect me, here’s what I’m going to do.  I will go to Washington, introduce myself to my fellow Congress people, and try to get to know them and be their friend.  Rather than telling them what to do, I will ask them what they think we should do to solve the problems of our country, and the I may give them a few of my own ideas, and then after a few drinks, I will sit down at a table with these folks, roll up my sleeves, and see if we can find a way to balance the budget, get folks back to work, build better schools for our kids, and keep our neighborhoods safer.       

          I don’t have the slightest idea how we’re going to do this, and if you want somebody who says he has all the answers, I guess you better vote for my opponent.  But I’ll go up there, try to work with people, and do my best.     

         Oh, and one other thing.  I’m only going to be up there for a few years.  If I win this time, you probably won’t re-elect me in two years, because I will probably vote to do some difficult things you won’t like, such as cutting off some of your benefits or making you work longer to get Social Security or even pay some more taxes.  Of course, if I do that last thing, you’ll probably impeach me.  But that will be okay, because if this happens, I’ll just come back home, and you voters can then elect somebody real smart who has all the answers.   

         Well, back to the ballgame.       

         I’m Barney T. Fife, and I approved this message!