John, Paul, George, Ringo . . . and Me

            I have waited nearly a half century for this moment.  And this week, it finally arrived.  At long last, I get to join The Beatles.

            I have wanted to be a Beatle since February of 1964.  That was the month The Beatles were introduced to me by Ed Sullivan.

            I was in the sixth grade, and I was absolutely obsessed with The Beatles.  So was everyone else in my sixth grade class.  In fact, I and every other boy in my class wanted to look like Paul McCartney so that we could attract every girl in our sixth grade class.  Heck, I would have settled for looking like Ringo.

            But there was just one thing (or more accurately, one person) standing between The Beatles and me.  My Momma!  Momma didn’t like The Beatles, just like she didn’t like Elvis.  She thought Elvis, The Beatles, and all rock’n roll singers were satanic.  Momma liked Pat Boone, who was, of course, the Anti-Elvis.

            Momma thwarted my every effort to look like one of The Beatles.  Every time I would let my hair grow just a little bit, Momma would throw me in the Ford Fairlane station wagon to take me to Dearman’s Barber Shop, where Mr. Dearman would give me a close trim that made me look like Pat Boone.  After shaving my head, Mr. Dearman would then flood what little hair I had left with Vitalis or some other greasy kid’s stuff so that I would never have the dry mop head look of John, Paul, George or even Ringo.

            But despite my frequent trips to the barber shop, I kept trying to emulate my new heroes from Liverpool.  I even tried to find a collarless suit, but there were none for sale in the boy’s clothing department at Sears.

            My prized possession was an album called “Meet The Beatles.”  Whenever Mom left the house, I would sneak the album out from under my bed, plop the vinyl disk in my record player, and listen to the Fab Four sing, “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”

            And then, a few days after Ground Hog’s Day 1964, I heard the big news.  The Beatles were coming to the United States and were going to appear on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

            Ed Sullivan is one of the strangest figures from my childhood.  He was one of the biggest stars on TV even though he had absolutely no talent.  He couldn’t sing, he couldn’t dance, he couldn’t tell funny jokes.  He was about as interesting as Mr. Dearman, my barber.  In fact, Ed Sullivan looked remarkably like Mr. Dearman.

            But despite his total lack of talent, Ed Sullivan hosted the biggest show on television.  You were never really a star until you appeared on Ed’s show.  Elvis was just a nice kid from Memphis until he swiveled his hips on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”  Why if Pat Boone had appeared on Ed’s show, he might have become the big wholesome star Mom always dreamed about.

            And so it came as no surprise to hear that The Beatles were going to be on “The Ed Sullivan Show” along with comedians Wayne & Shuster, a man who would spin plates on poles, and Topo Gigio, the little Italian mouse.

            I couldn’t wait to see the big show.  But there were two problems.  First, Momma.  Second, Baptist training union.  You see, “The Ed Sullivan Show” was broadcast on Sunday night at 7:00 p.m.  But every Sunday night at 7:00 p.m., I wasn’t sitting in front of my TV set watching Ed introduce Topo Gigio or the plate spinner.  I was at church with my Mom and Dad for Baptist training union.

            We Baptists didn’t just go to church on Sunday morning.  We went on Sunday evenings as well for “training union.”  It was the evening version of Sunday school, as we Baptists were trained to go out into the world during the coming week to fight evil and promote Pat Boone.

            I knew there was no way Momma was going to let me skip training union and watch The Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”  And so, on Sunday evening, February 9, 1964, I did something terrible.  I lied to my Momma.  I told her that I was sick to my stomach and that I just had to stay home and go to bed early.  Poor Momma fell for it, and for a moment, I thought my plan would work.  But Mom told my Dad, “You head on to church, Honey.  I’ll stay at home and take care of Billy.”

            And so I ended up with the worst of both worlds.  I felt guilty for lying to my Momma, and I still didn’t get to watch The Beatles.  Worst yet, while I lay in the bed pretending to be sick, Mom spent the rest of the evening listening to Pat Boone records.

            Believe it or not, things got worse after that.  A year later, The Beatles actually came to Memphis to do a concert at the Mid-South Coliseum.  Unfortunately at about this same time, John Lennon made the comment that he and The Beatles were “more popular than Jesus.”

            This really made Momma furious, and confirmed her suspicions that The Beatles were a front for Satan.  Mom and several of the church ladies helped organize an anti-Beatles rally to be held on the same night that The Beatles would perform at the Mid-South Coliseum.  And so not only did I end up missing The Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” I also missed seeing them live and in person.  I had to go to the Youth for Christ “Anti-Beatles” rally and listen to several Pat Boone impersonators.

            But now, at long last, I can spend Sunday night with The Beatles and not have to lie to Momma or anybody about it.  In fact, I can even sing with The Beatles.  On Wednesday, MTV Games released The Beatles Rock Band, a music video game.  The game features 45 songs by The Beatles.  According to the game’s official website, “. . .using the Core Rock Band game play, you won’t just watch and listen as The Beatles make rock history, create landmark records, and conquer the world.  For the first time, you’ll be part of the band!”

            It is enough to make me want to twist and shout, “Woo!”  I can’t wait to get the video game and rock out with John, Paul, George, and Ringo to such classic hits as “Day Tripper,” “Yellow Submarine,” and “I Am The Walrus” (“Coo-Coo-Ca-Choo!”)

            And I will be able to sing “When I’m 64,” when I am actually 64!

            I just wish there were a virtual Ed Sullivan to introduce me!