Mommas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Interns

            My daughter is a budding politician.  She is President of her middle school’s honor counsel, a graduate of two national student leadership programs, and, of course, a Princess.  She is an eloquent speaker and a good writer.  She reads the newspaper every morning (she has to be the only person in America under the age of 50 who does this), watches TV and Internet news programs, and is knowledgeable and opinionated about current affairs.

            America needs her.  America needs her now, although America is going to have to wait another 21 years before she is qualified under the United States Constitution to run for President.

            As her father, I am going to do everything I can to support her developing career in public service.  I am going to do this not only for her, but for my country.

            I will send her to the best schools, enroll her in more leadership programs, and even buy her votes in student council elections.  But there is one thing I will never allow her to do.  My daughter will never be an intern in a government office.  Not in the White House.  Not in Congress.  Not in the State Legislature.  Not in the office of the Memphis Dog Catcher.  With apologies to Dr. Seuss, I could write my own poem about it, “Dad – I –Am”:

                  I would not have my daughter intern here or there.

                  I would not have her intern anywhere.

                  I would not have her intern in D.C.

                  For the President, or a Senator, or a cabinet secretar-e

                  I do not like internships, Dad – I – Am.

            You may ask why would I, as President of the Family Council, veto an internship program for my daughter.  Actually, I am not the President of my Family Council.  I am the Vice-President.  But, believe me, if my daughter was offered an internship, I would urge President Momma to veto it.

            My answer is simple.  No father should ever allow his daughter to do a government internship.  If you put your daughter in the hands of a male government official, he is likely to get his hands all over her.

            Bill Clinton was, in many respects, a successful President.  When he left office, most Americans were prosperous and happy, and the federal government even had a surplus.  But let’s be honest.  Would any of us trust our daughter with the guy?  What he did with a White House intern in the Oval Office may not have been an impeachable offense.  But to borrow an adverb from President Obama, he sure acted stupidly.

            Things aren’t any safer for Congressional interns.  Even while trying to impeach President Clinton for hanky-panky, then – Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was having his own affair with a female staff member.

            To be fair, not all members of Congress try to hit on their interns.  Louisiana Senator David Vitter apparently prefers older women, specifically prostitutes he has contacted through the “DC Madam.”  Some Congressmen think the interns aren’t young enough.  Former Congressman Mark Foley, for example, hit on male house pages.

            And other Congressmen just reach out (literally) to their constituents.  For example, Senator Chuck Robb, a Democrat from Virginia, had to admit that he received a nude massage from a former Miss Virginia.  He, no doubt, affectionately referred to her as “Miss Congeniality.”

            Whether it is the White House, Capitol Hill, or for that matter, the Miss Virginia pageant, it is not safe to have your daughter become an intern for a federal public official.

            And now, I have learned it may not be safe to have my daughter intern for a state employee.

            The big political news in Tennessee these days concerns State Senator Paul Stanley, a conservative Republican from Germantown, Tennessee.  During his service in the Tennessee legislature, Senator Stanley has fought tirelessly for family values.  During the last session, for example, Senator Stanley introduced a bill that would prohibit gay couples from adopting a child.  When Tennessee Attorney General Bob Cooper opined that such a law would be unconstitutional, Senator Stanley amended his bill to prohibit any unmarried couple from adopting a child.

            But, while Senator Stanley was working diligently to protect orphans from being adopted and no doubt molested by unwed couples, he was also spending a lot of time with his intern, a young co-ed from Austin Peay University.  Only in this case, it was Austin . . . well, let’s not go there. . . .

            The Senator and the intern did not hike the portion of the Appalachian trail that runs through east Tennessee, nor did they go on a trade mission to Argentina.  Instead, they went to the Senator’s Nashville apartment on numerous occasions and engaged in the sort of activity that would make the Senator and the intern fit to adopt children, if they were, in fact, married.  Senator Stanley is indeed married, but not to the intern.  No, Mrs. Senator and the little non-orphan Stanleys were back home in Germantown, while the Senator spent time pursuing, shall we say, legislative affairs.

            All this may never have come to light were it not for the fact that Senator Stanley is also an amateur photographer.  He took pictures of the intern demonstrating her commitment to public service, or at least to a public servant.  Somehow these pictures got into the hands of the intern’s boyfriend, who contacted the Senator and demanded $10,000.

            Now if Senator Stanley were residing in the “Praise House” in Washington, he no doubt would have been counseled by other family-values religious legislators to have his parents pay the $10,000 to help the intern and her boyfriend get through some tough times.  But alas, Senator Stanley does not have an OB/GYN physician living with him in his Nashville apartment.  He was apparently conducting pelvic exams on his own.

            Well, it has all come out now, so to speak, and the liberal press is trying to bring another fine legislator down, so to speak.  I just feel sorry for the orphans of Tennessee who no longer have somebody to protect them.

            But fortunately, my daughter is not an orphan.  She has a daddy, namely me.  And I am going to protect this young lady who is now a Princess and will some day be the President of the United States.  I am going to protect her by making cotton-picking sure she is never an intern.