Nothing but Softball Questions for Ms. Kagan

            CHAIRMAN LEAHY:  This meeting of the Senate Judiciary Committee will now come to order!  Today we will begin hearings on the issue of the confirmation of Elena Kagan for the United States Supreme Court!  Good morning, Ms. Kagan!

            MS. KAGAN:  Good morning, Mr. Chairman.

            CHAIRMAN LEAHY:  Ms. Kagan, would you like to make an opening statement?

            KAGAN:  Yes, Mr. Chairman.  First, I want to thank you and the committee for the opportunity to appear here today to discuss my qualifications to serve on the Nation’s highest court.  I thought I might begin by sharing with you a little about my background.  I was born in New York City where I attended public schools.  I attended Princeton University where I graduated summa cum laude in 1981.  I then obtained a Master’s Degree in philosophy from Worcester College at Oxford University, and then attended Harvard Law School where I was an editor of the Harvard Law Review.  I graduated magna cum laude from the Harvard Law School in 1986, and then clerked for Justice Thurgood Marshall of the United States Supreme Court.  After that . . .

            SENATOR JEFF SESSIONS (interrupting):  Excuse me, Ms. Kagan.  We are really not interested in this.  We are here today to see if you are qualified to serve as a United States Supreme Court Justice.  So let me get right to the point.  Do you now or have you ever played a game called softball?

            MS. KAGAN:  . . . I beg your pardon?

            SENATOR SESSIONS:  I think you heard me, Ms. Kagan.  I asked you whether you currently play or have ever played the game of softball?

            MS. KAGAN:  What does that have to do with my qualifications to serve on the United State Supreme Court, Senator?

            SENATOR SESSIONS:  We’ll be the judge of that, Ms. Kagan!  Please answer my question.

            MS. KAGAN:  I don’t know.  I probably did when I was a girl.

            SENATOR ORRIN HATCH:  Now don’t be coy with us, Ms. Kagan.  We know for a fact you have played softball.  We even have pictures of you.

            MS. KAGAN:  Well, if you have pictures, I guess I played at one time.  I just don’t know what that has to do with me being qualified to serve on the United States Supreme Court.

            SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN:  I agree with Ms. Kagan.  What in the World do these questions have to do with whether she should be confirmed as a United States Supreme Court Justice?

            SENATOR CHUCK GRASSLEY:  Well, of course you agree with her, Senator Feinstein.  You’re probably a softball player yourself!

            SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM:  I would like to explore further your knowledge of softball.  Can you tell us what a “rover” is?

            MS. KAGAN:  A what?

            SENATOR GRAHAM:  A rover.  R-O-V-E-R.  Please don’t tell us you have never heard of the term.

            MS. KAGAN:  Well, I think it is a position in soft-pitch softball.  I always played fast-pitch myself.

            SENATOR SESSIONS:  Aha!  So you have played softball!  And fast-pitch at that!

            MS. KAGAN:  Well, uh . . .

            SENATOR TOM COBURN:  Thought you could put one past us, didn’t you, Ms. Kagan?

            MS. KAGAN:  No, Senator.  I couldn’t get one past you.  I’m not a pitcher.  I play second base.

            SENATOR DICK DURBIN:  So a few minutes ago you couldn’t remember whether you ever played softball!  Now you admit that you have not only played the game, you have actually gotten to second base!

            MS. KAGAN:  I didn’t say I’d gotten to second base.  I said I played second base.

            SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER:  Now Ms. Kagan, that’s a distinction without a difference.

            SENATOR FEINSTEIN:  Could we get back to the question of her qualifications?

            SENATOR JOHN CORNYN:  Senator Feinstein, with all due respect, we know that not only do you play softball yourself, you are also a big fan of Bette Midler and NCAA Women’s Basketball.  So you’re not exactly objective on this question.

            MS. KAGAN:  Could we talk about my work as Dean of the Harvard Law School?

            SENATOR SPECTER:  Well, only if the Harvard Law School has a softball team.

            SENATOR SESSIONS:  If you don’t want to talk about softball, Ms. Kagan, I have another question to ask you. Is it true that while you were at Princeton, you were an open and notorious thespian?

            MS. KAGAN:  I had a small role in the school production of Our Town, and I was an understudy for lead role in The Vagina Monologues.

            SENATOR SESSIONS:  Well, I’ve heard enough.

            CHAIRMAN LEAHY:  Are there any further questions, for Ms. Kagan?

            SENATOR GRAHAM:  Just one more.  Ms. Kagan, do you think you could strike out Antonin Scalia?

            MS. KAGAN:  In three pitches.