Oh Say Can You Sing This Song?

            In 1814, a young lawyer named Francis Scott Key wrote a poem in honor of Super Bowl 1812 that was played at Fort McHenry Stadium in Maryland.  (Final score: USA 48, England 0!)  A few years later, the poem was set to the music of a popular tavern drinking song and renamed The Star Spangled Banner, probably because it sounds a lot more impressive than 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

            In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson issued an executive order that the song would be sung at state occasions, meaning just before the start of the World Series or other big sporting events.

            In 1931, Congress declared the song our official National Anthem, taking this great tune out of taverns and putting it in sports arenas.

            It is a wonderful National Anthem, far better than God Save the Queen (England and Canada), God Bring Back the Tzar (Russia), or God Please Help us Get Rid of Hosni Mubarak (Egypt).  But while it is a great song, there are two problems with our National Anthem.  First, it is an extremely difficult song to sing.  It covers a full 1 ½ octaves, requiring a singer to be a baritone, tenor, and soprano, all in the course of a few bars.  It’s no wonder that it started off being sung by drunk patrons in a tavern.

            And the second problem, which may or may not be related, is that whenever entertainers are asked to sing The Star Spangled Banner before a big sporting event, they always try to change the song.

            Take, for example, Christina Aguilera or as Henny Youngman would say, “Take Christina Aguilera…Please!”

            Last Sunday, Ms. Aguilera was given the high honor singing our National Anthem prior to the kickoff of Super Bowl XLV.  And like so many other performing artists, Ms. Aguilera could not resist the temptation to change the melody of this great song.  Worse yet, she tried to change the lyrics.

            Ms. Aguilera began our National Anthem by screaming in much the same manner that my 15 year old daughter does whenever she sees Justin Bieber.  Unfortunately, Ms. Aguilera kept screaming and yelping like a cat in heat.  Consequently, her rendition of our National Anthem bore no resemblance whatsoever to The Star Spangled Banner, even the version that was once sung by rowdy, drunk patrons of “Cheers.”

           Her singing, or rather screaming, was bad enough, but then, incredibly, she decided to change the lyrics, or at least transpose them.  Rather than singing “o’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming,” she sang “what so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming.”

          In doing so, she sounded remarkably like Leslie Nielson trying to sing The Star Spangled Banner in Naked Gun. (“A bunch of bombs up there…We still had our flag!”)

           Ms. Aguilera has now apologized, saying, “I got so caught up in the moment of the song that I lost my place.  I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.”

           Well, thanks for the apology, Christina, but if you think that the spirit of our National Anthem came through in your rendition, you probably think Ben Roethlisberger is a family man.

           Well, here’s a crazy idea for Super Bowl XLVI.  Let the National Anthem be played by the United States Marine Band.  Founded in 1798 by an Act of Congress, the United States Marine Band is America’s oldest continuously active professional music organization, even older than the Lawrence Welk Orchestra or the Rolling Stones.  And believe me, they know how to play our National Anthem.  They won’t change a single note, and as they are playing it, I guarantee you will get goose bumps.

           And then at half time, Christina Aguilera can join the Black Eyed Peas, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Usher, Fergie, Snooki, Eminem, the Lennon Sisters, the entire cast of Glee, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir for a rousing show featuring music, dance, fireworks, lasers, and whole series of wardrobe malfunctions.