Santa’s Legal Dream Team

            It’s a little known fact, but Santa Claus has the best lawyers money can buy. 

            Santa’s need for top-notch legal counsel began in 1947 when he was taken into custody outside Macy’s Department Store and put on trial for lunacy.  Santa hired a legal whiz kid named Fred Gayley to defend him.

            You say you don’t remember Fred Gayley? Well, do you remember the Grinch who stole Christmas? If you remember him, you definitely ought to remember Fred Gayley. Why? Simple. He’s the lawyer who saved Christmas! Why if it weren’t for old Fred Gayley, Santa Claus would still be involuntarily committed in a New York psychiatric hospital.

            If you don’t believe me, just spend a few minutes during this holiday season watching the 1947 film classic, Miracle on 34th Street.

            Miracle on 34th Street is my all-time favorite Christmas film. It even surpasses such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, Santa Claus Versus the Martians, Home Alone, and Home Alone II, III, and IV.

            Miracle on 34th Street is the compelling story of young Fred Gayley’s defense of his pro bono client, Kris Kringle. If you haven’t seen the film, here’s the plot:

            Kris Kringle is hired by Macy’s Department Store to serve as the store Santa. Most store Santas aren’t the real thing. You see, Santa is like Elvis. No, he’s not dead, but he does have a lot of impersonators.

            Your typical department store Santa is like your typical mall Santa. He sports a fake beard and fake padding that makes him look more like the Pillsbury Dough Boy than St. Nicholas.

            But not Kris Kringle. Kris is no Elvis impersonator. He’s the genuine article.

            Things go fine for Kris until he decides to come out of the Christmas closet, openly announcing that he really is Santa Claus! When this happens, the “authorities” are appalled. Since they are grown-ups, and consequently do not believe in Santa, they are convinced that Kris Kringle is krazy. They send him to a psychiatric hospital, and the district attorney (who is also a grown-up) prepares a petition to have Kris involuntarily committed.

            To make matters worse, Kris’s trial is scheduled to begin just a few days before Christmas, creating the clear and present danger that Santa might not be released by Christmas Eve. If this happens, Santa will not be reunited with Rudolph and the elves and will be unable to deliver toys to anxious children throughout the world.

            With the fate of Christmas literally hanging in the balance, a heroic lawyer comes to the rescue. Enter Fred Gayley, a young associate with a highly-respected silk-stocking New York City law firm.

            Gayley appears before the court and in opening statement, he announces a bold defense. Now, a lesser lawyer would argue on behalf of Kringle that the state of New York has the burden of proving that Kris was krazy. But not our man Fred Gayley. Gayley’s breath-taking defense is to take on the burden of proof himself, announcing to the Court: Kris Kringle is not krazy! He is exactly who he says he is, the one and only Santa Claus!

            The partners at the law firm where young Fred works are shocked and embarrassed (which, interestingly enough, is the name of the firm. Shocked & Embarrassed, PLLC). After all, they too are grown-ups, and they don’t believe in Kris. They tell Fred Gayley that he must drop his krazy pro bono client and get back to some holiday billable hours.

            But Fred Gayley is a regular yuletide Atticus Finch. He believes in Kris, and he is determined to spring Kris from the looney bin and help him come down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

            So Fred Gayley quits his job and focuses his entire practice on one pro bono client. This proves that while Kris Kringle may not have been krazy, Gayley definitely was.

            Most great movies culminate in a dramatic courtroom scene. And Miracle on 34th Street is no exception. The final day of Kringle’s trial occurs on Christmas eve. Fortunately, the Judge, the Honorable Henry Harper, is no Lance Ito. Judge Harper is determined to get the trial over one way or another on Christmas Eve so that he, the bailiff, his law clerk, and the attorneys can all be home for Christmas. Little does he realize that if he rules the wrong way in this bench trial, there will be no Christmas. If Santa spends Christmas eve in the looney bin, the stockings will be empty on the following morning.

            Things looked pretty bleak for Kris and children around the world as Thomas Mara, the grinch district attorney who is trying to steal Christmas, insists to Judge Harper that Gayley must come forward with proof to establish that Kris Kringle is the one and only Santa Claus.

            Even young Gayley is about to give up hope. And then, the U.S. Postal Service arrives! Neither rain nor storm nor dark of night prevents the Post Office from delivering the mail to Santa Claus! A postal worker enters the courtroom to deliver to Kringle a letter addressed to Santa Claus in care of the courthouse.

            Seizing the moment, (and also a copy of The World Almanac), Gayley triumphantly announces to the Court that the United States Postal Office, an agency of the federal government, has determined that Kris Kringle is the one and only Santa Claus! Accordingly, Judge Harper is judicially estopped from ruling that the Postal Service is wrong and that Kringle is krazy. Judge Harper rules that Kris Kringle is Santa Claus! The crowd goes wild, and Christmas is saved! Kringle is released! He thanks his lawyer and then heads for the North Pole!

            No doubt about it, it was indeed a Miracle on 34th Street. The miracle wasn’t so much that Kris Kringle won the trial, but that the Post Office was able to deliver the letter to Santa on Christmas eve. This truly was a miracle given the fact that the Post Office never delivers my Christmas cards until around January 1st, no matter how early I put them in the mail.

            Since Fred Gayley’s victory in Miracle on 34th Street, Santa has always made sure that he has brilliant lawyers in his corner.  If you visit the North Pole, you’ll find that Santa has a legal department comprised of brilliant elf lawyers. 

            Santa also has private lawyers on retainers from some of America’s top law firms.  Over the years, Santa’s legal dream team has included Perry Mason, Atticus Finch, Elle Woods, and my cousin Vinny.  For a brief period of time back in 1990s, Santa was even advised by the late Johnny Cochran, who, in his closing argument in the case of Grinch v. Santa, famously told the jury, “If it doesn’t fit, you must exchange it.”

            Now you are probably wonder why in the world would Santa need a lawyer?  Who in their right mind would sue Santa?  Well, the answer to that question is no one in his right mind.  But, as any lawyer can tell you, there are millions of Americans who are not in their right minds, and they will sue you for just about anything.

            Accordingly, over the years, Santa has had his red and white fanny dragged into court on numerous occasions.  It’s easy to get jurisdiction over the big guy, since he is doing business in all fifty states, and, for that matter, in every country in the world. 

            But Santa’s legal department at the North Pole and his dream team of private counsel have pretty much beaten down all opponents.

            If you don’t believe Santa’s lawyers are good, just spend a few minutes on Christmas morning and check the warning labels on the toys Santa has delivered.  My favorite is the following that appeared in bold print on the box containing the Superman outfit that Santa delivered to one of my sons many years ago:  “WARNING:  SUPERMAN CAPE DOES ENABLE USER TO FLY.” 

            Don’t laugh.  Every Christmas Day, hospital emergency rooms across America are filled with children in bloody and tattered Superman outfits who have jumped off the roofs of their houses.

            As Santa’s chief products liability counsel, my cousin Vinny, will tell the jury, “These yutes should have read the warning!” 

            This column is from Bill’s new book, Some Assembly Required:  A Daddy’s Christmas Book.  You can order a copy online at www.billhaltom.com.

(This is an article that I wrote for the Nov/Dec 09 issue of the Memphis Lawyer.)