Thanks to Cartoons, I'm Smarter Than the Average Bear

We have met the enemy, and he is Sponge Bob. 

For many years, we Americans have struggled to answer the question posed by President George Dubya Bush: “Is our children learning?”

The answer are no, they is not. 

But the more intriguing question is why is they not?

Well, according to a University of Virginia psychology professor, the blame falls squarely on cartoon programming. 

In an article in the current issue of the journal, Pediatrics, Professor Angelina Lillard reveals the results of a study that suggested watching just nine minutes of Sponge Bob Square Pants can cause learning problems for four year olds. 

I did not read the article in Pediatrics.  I was too busy watching a rerun of the Flintstones on Cartoon Network.  Accordingly, I’m not exactly sure what learning problems a four year old would develop from watching a few minutes of Sponge Bob.  Perhaps he or she would think you really can live in pineapple under the sea.

But I’m very suspicious about the results of this study.  In fact, I think it is non-nautical nonsense.   I grew up watching cartoons.  I spent every Saturday morning from 1952 to 1970 watching outstanding cartoon shows such as Bugs Bunny, Roadrunner, Huckleberry Hound, Quick Draw McGraw, Tom and Jerry, and Yogi Bear, and I turned out to be a pretty good student.  In fact, I’m smarter than the average bear.

If you don’t believe me, let me just list for your some of the many things I learned in life from watching cartoons:

Mice are smarter than cats.

Small birds are also smarter than cats.

If you run off a cliff, the law of gravity does not apply until you look down and realize you have run off a cliff.

Yogi can sleep till noon but before its dark, he will have every picnic basket that’s in Jellystone Park.

What Ranger Smith does not know will not hurt him.

Treadmills are difficult to stop.  Just ask George Jetson.

Mr. Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound.

The ACME Company manufactures very dangerous products. 

Cap’n Crunch cereal is part of this complete breakfast.

George of the Jungle should watch out for that tree.

There is no such word as “never” in auto racing.

He’s not bird nor plane nor even frog…

The Soviet Union lost the cold war because Boris and Natasha were not as smart as “Moose and Squirrel.”

Dogs can talk, but they begin all words with the letter “R”, as in, “Ruh Roh, Reorge!”

Conversely, Elmer Fudd cannot pronounce any word beginning with the letter “R.”  (“you wascally wabbitt!”)

If you are ever in a terrible accident (i.e. have a giant bolder fall on top of you or you are in an explosion), just shake the dust off your body, and you will immediately be fine.

Forget about a hybrid or an electric car.  If you wanna go green, get one of those cars like Fred Flinstone drove.  It got about a million miles to the gallon.

When your workday is over, you should scream “Yabba Dabba Doo!”

You see, I is a pretty smart guy.  And I owe it all to growing up watching cartoons. 

Now if you’ll pardon me, my workday is over, and I’m headed home to watch Nickelodeon.  Yabba Dabba Doo!