The Congressional Prom! A One Night Stand

             Since I’m addicted to sports TV, I spend most evenings on my sofa with man’s best friend (the remote control channel changer) firmly in hand, changing the channel every few seconds from ESPN to ESPN II to ESPN Classic to CBS College Sports to Fox Sports South to Fox Sport Tennessee to Fox Sports Eastern Montana.  As the Toscanini of the channel changer, I can watch 10 or 20 ball games a night, almost simultaneously.

              But every year, in late January, my channel changer and I take a night off from sports so that I can watch one non-sports event, specifically, the President’s State of the Union Address.           

               I never miss the State of the Union Address.  Now I’d like to tell you that I always watch it because I want to be a well-informed citizen and taxpayer.  But the truth is that I watch the State of the Union Address each year for the same reason I watch the Super Bowl or the World Series or the Final Four.  I watch it because it’s very entertaining battle between two rival teams, the Democrats dressed in blue, and the Republicans dressed in red.

            Now you would think that a State of the Union Address would be about as exciting as watching one of those televised Congressional committee hearings on C-SPAN.  But the State of the Union Address is always quite a show, and for this we can thank the great communicator, the late President Ronald Wilson Reagan.

            Before the Gipper came along, the State of the Union Address was very boring.  (If you want a cure for insomnia, find a videotape of one of President Carter’s State of the Union Addresses from back in the late 1970s.)  But President Reagan was a movie and TV star (see “Bedtime for Bonzo”), and he knew how to make a political speech compelling theatre.  When he became President, he made the annual State of the Union Address something of a variety show.  He invited special guests to accompany him to the speech.  These guests were heroes such as astronauts or brave soldiers or great public school teachers.  When President Reagan would give his State of the Union Address, his guests would be sitting in the balcony beside First Lady Nancy Reagan and her astrologer.  At a certain point in the speech, President Reagan would give a tribute to each of these heroes and then ask them to stand up and take a bow.  It was very entertaining and exactly what we would expect from a man who in the 1960s was the star of a TV show called “General Electric Theatre.” (Reagan: “At General Electric, progress is our most important product!”)

            And the other feature that has made the State of the Union Address entertaining over the years has been the battle between two rival political gangs, Republican congressman and Democrat congressman.  They sit on opposite sides of the floor of the House of Representatives, just like Tennessee Vol fans and Florida Gator fans sit on opposite sides of the field at their annual football game.

            This sharply divided audience boisterously responds to the President’s State of the Union Address with either jeers or cheers, depending upon whether the President making the speech is either a Democrat or Republican.

             It’s gotten so raucous that last year a Republican Congressman from South Carolina, heckled President Obama’s State of the Union Address by yelling, “You lie!”  When this happened, Democratic Congressman retaliated by yelling “Shame!”  For a few exciting minutes, I thought a fight was going to break out on the floor of Congress.  Hey, my fellow Americans, that’s enertainment!

            And so this past Tuesday night I plopped down in my lazy boy recliner, turned the TV on to C-SPAN, put the remote control channel changer on my coffee table, and sat back to enjoy an entertaining State of the Union Address interrupted by hecklers and at least one good fight.

            Boy, was I disappointed.  The 2011 State of the Union Address was the most boring Presidential speech I’ve heard since President Carter’s “Malaise Speech” in 1979.  But it wasn’t President Obama’s fault.  While he is no Gipper or Bill Clinton, the President is an accomplished orator who can give a mighty fine speech.  In fact, he emerged on the national political stage (literally) when he gave a memorable Keynote Address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

              No, the problem with this year’s State of the Union message wasn’t the President’s speech, it was the audience.  In an effort to promote civility, Congressional leaders decided it would be “Congressional Prom Night.”  Rather than sitting on opposite sides of the aisle, Democrats and Republicans paired up as “dates”, sitting together for the speech, pretending that they really like each other.  Senator John Kerry’s “date” was Senator John McCain.  While they sat together, I couldn’t help but to notice they did not hold hands.  Senator McCain was reportedly mad because Kerry had not bought him a corsage.

              According to published news reports, Republican House Leader Eric Cantor asked Nancy Pelosi to be his date, but she turned him down.  Poor Congressman Cantor.  For the rest of his career he will be remembered as the man who attended the Congressional Prom stag because he was turned down by Nancy Pelosi.

              As it turned out, Congressional Prom Night had all the excitement of a nursing home concert featuring the Lawrence Welk orchestra.  The audience sat quietly during the President’s speech.  Maybe they were all wondering whether they should kiss on a first date.  I felt sorry for President Obama.  At times during his painfully-long speech he appeared to be looking longingly for that Congressman from South Carolina, hoping he would scream out “you lie” just to make things interesting.

            It was so boring I didn’t even watch the entire speech.  About an hour into it, I picked up my remote control channel changer off my coffee table, switched to ESPN Classic, and watched a replay of the finals of last year’s Scripps Howard National Champion Spelling Bee.  Believe me, watching some sixth grader spell “onomatopoeia” was a lot more interesting than watching President Obama try to read a teleprompter while Harry Reid tried to get to second base with Michelle Bachman.

              Well, here’s hoping the Congressional Prom turns out to be a one night stand.  Next January will be the start of a Presidential election year, and you can bet the federal deficit that Congressional Republicans and Democrats will not be sitting together at the State of the Union Address holding hands and singing Kumbaya.  They will be apart, literally, on the floor of the House of Representatives, snarling and hurling insults at the other side while President Obama announces his bold new plan to cut taxes, save social security, decrease federal spending, repair the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, and balance the federal budget by the year 2050.

              I can’t wait.  Until then, I’ll be watching rugby on the Fox Sports New Zealand channel.