The Next Wedding of the Century

       Twenty-nine years ago, in the summer of 1981, there were two weddings of the century.  The first occurred at Westminster Abbey in London.  The second occurred at the Holly Avenue Methodist Church in South Pittsburg, Tennessee. 

In London, Prince Charles married Lady Diana.  In South Pittsburg, (home of the annual Cornbread Festival), I married a Princess named Claudia Swafford.   

       The wedding of Prince Charles to Lady Diana was watched by an estimated 750 million people around the world.  The wedding of Princess Claudia and Commoner Bill was seen by about 100 people at the Holly Avenue Methodist Church.  It was not televised.   

       I’m as common a commoner as you can find.  I’m no Prince of Whales.  If anything, I am the Prince of Frayser.  But at the end of the wedding ceremony at the Holly Avenue Methodist Church, I gave Princess Claudia a well-rehearsed slobber-knocker of a kiss.   

       The wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana ended with the Prince giving his Royal Bride the sort of wimpy kiss one gives his sister.  It was at that moment that we all should have realized that the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana was doomed from the start.  It was the kiss that turned a Prince into a frog. 

       Prince Charles and Princess Diana split the satin sheets in 1992. 

       Princess Claudia and I are still together. 

       But there will soon be another Wedding of the Century.  No, Princess Claudia and I are not going to Vegas to renew our vows at the Elvis Wedding Chapel.  (Check it out at www.theelvisweddingchapel.com )  Sometime next year, approximately 30 years after the last two weddings of the century, Prince William will marry his long-time girlfriend, Kate Middleton.  And now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their engagement, the nuptials of Prince William and future Princess Kate will undoubtedly be the wedding of the 21st century, at least until Lady Gaga and Michael Bolton tie the knot.  (I can’t wait to see Lady Gaga walk down the aisle while Michael Bolton croons, “You Murdered My Heart!”) 

       The upcoming royal wedding between Prince William and Royal Girlfriend Kate will be a huge event not only in England, but also here in the United States.  In fact, it will probably be a bigger deal in America than in the United Kingdom.   

       The truth is we Americans are obsessed with the royal family.  While we declared our independence from King George some 234 years ago, we Americans would like to have a King.  And Lord knows we’ve tried.  We crowned Elvis, and after he died, we crowned his son-in-law, Michael Jackson.  We’ve also embraced King Tut, BB King, Bernard King and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. 

       It’s probably a good thing we really didn’t crown either Elvis or Michael.  If so, America would now be ruled by Lisa Marie Presley or Blanket Jackson.  “Princess Blanket” would never work.  It sounds like something you would buy at Bed Bath and Beyond. 

      During the 1952 presidential campaign, historian William Manchester thoughtfully suggested that we should make General Eisenhower our King and Adlai Stephenson our Prime Minister.  Had we done so, America would now be governed by King David Eisenhower and Queen Julie Nixon Eisenhower.  

       And as recently as the 1980s, House Speaker Tip O’Neal said of Ronald Reagan, “He’s a lousy President, but I think he would be a great King!” 

      Ronald and Nancy Reagan definitely had the royal touch, but I imagine had he been offered the job, President Reagan would have turned it down just as George Washington reportedly did before becoming our Nation’s first President. 

       This nation of immigrants will never have a royal family, but we will continue to have a royal obsession.  And that’s why sometime next year millions of Americans will join about a billion people around the world who will tune it to watch the wedding of the 21st Century, live from Westminster Abbey.   

       But I won’t be watching.  I have decided to celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary by taking Princess Claudia to the Dixie Cups Chapel of Love in Hot Springs where we will renew our vows and have our second honeymoon.   

       You’re not invited.