WWJS: What Would Jesus Say?

            In 1985, a group of liberal theologians created “The Jesus Seminar.”  The purpose of the “Seminar” was to re-examine the New Testament Gospels to determine what Jesus may or may not have said during his lifetime.

            Having been raised in the Baptist Church, I always thought that you determine what Jesus said by reading the New Testament.  In my King James Version of the Bible, Jesus’ words are printed in red, therefore making it pretty easy to determine what He said.

            But the scholars in the Jesus Seminar believe that some of the statements attributed to Jesus in the Gospels are either misquotes or fabrications.

            So how do these so-called scholars determine what Jesus actually did and did not say?  Well, you will never believe this.  They vote on it, casting their votes by use of colored beads.

            Participants in the Jesus Seminar review scripture passages containing statements attributed to Jesus.  If they believe Jesus did say the passage quoted, they cast a red bead.  If they believe Jesus said something like the passage, but they do not believe the accuracy of the passage itself, they cast pink beads.  If they believe Jesus never said the words reflected in the passage but that it contains His ideas, they cast gray beads.  And if they believe Jesus never said what the scripture says He said, they cast a black bead.

            The beads get different points.  Reds are worth three points, pink two, etc.  After all the beads are cast, some official Jesus Seminar scorekeeper adds the points, and then the Seminar announces the results.

            You read that right, brothers and sisters.  Majority rules, or in this case, the majority of beads rules, in determining whether Jesus did or did not say what the Bible says He said.

            And while I don’t know the exact Jesus Seminar score, over 80% of the beads cast are either gray or black, meaning that the seminar scholars think only 20% of the quotes attributed to Jesus in the Bible were actually said by Him.

            The Jesus Seminar scholars are notoriously liberal.  Therefore, it should come as no surprise that when they count the beads, the official Jesus Seminar “vote” indicates that Jesus said all sorts of liberal things, such as loving your enemy, not casting stones, etc., but (Surprise!  Surprise!) Jesus did not say the conservative stuff, i.e. it is better to pluck out your eye than to be cast into a lake of fire.

            Well, to borrow a phrase from Dana Carvey’s famous Church Lady, “How convenient!”

            As a Christian, I have never taken the Jesus Seminar seriously.  It seems to me that these so-called scholars are simply using colored beads as scissors to cut out Gospel passages that offend them.  In the process, they are simply creating Jesus in their own image.  A nice liberal Jesus, who is probably for a public option in a national health care program.

            But it now appears that some theological conservatives have decided that they, too, want to create Jesus in their own image, in this case a right-wing one.  A group called Conservapedia.com has recently launched the “Conservative Bible Project.”  It is led by Andy Schlafly, son of national conservative political activist Phyllis Schlafly, and the project has published a new conservative version of the Bible that is quite different from my King James Version.  Take for example the following passage from the Gospel of Mark, chapter 2, verse 22, as set forth in the King James Version:

And no man putteth new wine into old bottles else the new wine burst the bottles, and the wine is spilled, and the bottles will be marred, but new wine must be put into new bottles.

              Mr. Schlafly and his fellow conservatives at Conservapedia.com apparently believe Jesus was a teetotaler.  In their Conservative Bible Edition, they say Jesus said the following:

And no man puts fresh grape juice into old bottles.  The fresh juice will burst the bottles, spilling the juice and damaging the bottles.  Fresh juice must be put into new bottles. 

            That’s right, brothers and sisters.  And Jesus’ first miracle was turning the water into Welchade at the wedding in Canaan.

            And what about this passage in the tenth chapter of Mark, verse 25?  In the King James Version, Jesus said the following:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

            Sounds pretty liberal, doesn’t it?  Well in the New Conservative Bible, here’s what Jesus says:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a man who cares only for money to enter into the kingdom of God.

            Well, that’s a relief!  Maybe even tax relief!  It wouldn’t surprise me if the New Conservative Bible also portrays Jesus as a supply-sider who favors tax breaks for the wealthy.

            And finally, what about that part of the Gospel where Jesus defends the woman who has committed adultery?  In the King James Verson, Jesus said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

            Well, brothers and sisters, you will never guess what the editors of the Conservative Bible did with this passage.  They cut it out.  Editor Schlafly defended the cut saying, “It’s a liberal addition, put in by people who wanted to undermine the reality of hell and judgment.”

Once again, in the words of the Church Lady, “How convenient!”  We all just get to pick and choose what Jesus said!  (It’s a Picadilly Cafeteria approach to the Bible.)  And in the process, we can make Jesus just like us!

            Of course, if we do this, we just end up worshiping ourselves.

            I think I’ll stick to the King James Version.  I will be the first to admit that some of those passages that are printed in red make me a little uncomfortable, but I think they’re supposed to.