Thanksgiving: The Kickoff to the Holiday Season

            Jasper, Tenn. – On Thanksgiving afternoon two undefeated teams will square off in the biggest game of this football season.  I’m not talking about Super Bowl XXXVII or the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl or even the Weedeater Microsoft Waterpik Shower Massage Liberty Freedom Independence Bowl!  No, I’m talking about the granddaddy of them all, since it is played in Granddaddy’s backyard, the almost –annual Turkey Bowl!

            The almost-annual Turkey Bowl is played each year here in beautiful Jasper, Tenn., right after my family’s Thanksgiving dinner.  I serve as the executive director of the almost-annual Turkey Bowl Football Classic.  This means that each year right after Thanksgiving dinner I organize the family touch football game that is played in my in-laws’ backyard.

            The almost-annual Turkey Bowl features two undefeated teams.  This is because the teams aren’t even organized until minutes before the kick-off, and therefore both are playing their first and only game of the season.

            The almost-annual Turkey Bowl begins each year with the traditional pre-game meal of turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, and all the fixins.  The pre-game meal culminates with the traditional dessert of punkin pie, and I then stand in the center of Grandma’s den, holding the official game ball (which I bought in the sports department of the Jasper Wal-Mart), and announce, “It’s time for the annual Turkey Bowl!”

            My announcement is traditionally greeted by groans and protestations from several veterans of past Turkey Bowls that they are a-just getting too old for this nonsense.

            Nevertheless, I always manage to overcome the protests and put together two outstanding teams to compete in the annual post-punkin pie pigskin match-up.

            Last year’s Turkey Bowl was a defensive struggle as the undefeated Uncle Earl Team, led by Uncle Earl, beat the undefeated Aunt Wanda team, led by Aunt Wanda, 12-6.

            The game was deadlocked 6-6 as both teams had scored a touchdown but missed their extra points.  Actually there are no extra points in the Turkey Bowl since there are no goalposts in Granddaddy’s backyard.  (Some Kentucky fans tore them down years ago when they mistakenly thought they had won a football game.)

            But in the closing minutes of last year’s Turkey Bowl, the Uncle Earl team made a perfect execution of the two-minute drill, marching the entire length of Granddaddy’s backyard.  The drive culminated when my nephew, Graham, perfectly executed the naked bootleg, sweeping past Aunt Wanda, Granddaddy, 17 little cousins and a lawn mower, into the end zone, or more accurately, Granddaddy’s south fence.

            Uncle Earl’s team was so excited after the win that they doused Uncle Earl with Gatorade and cranberry sauce.

            This year’s Turkey Bowl promises to be another memorable match-up.  Aunt Wanda and her team have vowed revenge and have bulked up their squad by recruiting Uncle Johnny, former junior varsity player for the Carson Newman University Fighting Baptists.  Uncle Johnny is close to 70 and hasn’t played a down in nearly 50 years.  Nevertheless, he should be a valuable addition to Aunt Wanda’s team since he’s a Baptist preacher and therefore will play dirty.

            Meanwhile, Uncle Earl hopes to keep his one-game winning streak alive.  During the off-season, he taught his blue tick coonhound, Rascal, how to fetch a football in his mouth and run the length of Granddaddy’s backyard.  Rascal will be installed as running back in Uncle Earl’s wishbone formation.  The plan should work unless Rascall smells a squirrel and runs off in the wrong direction.

            When the game is over, the winning team won’t head for the locker room.  They’ll head for Grandma’s kitchen where they will claim the coveted Turkey Bowl Tupperware Trophy.  It may not be much to look at, but when they open it, the winning team will find an instant replay of the pre-game punkin pie dessert.

This is from my new book, Some Assembly Required:  A Daddy’s Christmas Book.  Check it out (and better yet, order a copy) by clicking on “Books.”