Bill's Blog


Posted on February 13th, 2017

Editor’s Note:  The following is Bill Haltom’s column for this month’s edition of the Tennessee Bar Journal. It is reprinted with the permission of the Tennessee Bar Association. 

Unless you are a divorce lawyer, February is one of the best months of the year.  That’s because right smack in the middle of the year’s shortest month comes a day for lovers … Valentine’s Day! 

It is a day when even President Trump may be tempted to sweetly tweet “I Love You” to his latest wife. 

If, like me, you are blessed to have a valentine, it is a day to shower her or him with flowers, candy, teddy bears, pajamas, and other heart-warming gifts. 

If you don’t have a valentine, here is my advice to the lovelorn:  Find a lawyer.  We make the best valentines. 

I know this for a fact because for the past 35 Februarys, my valentine has been a lawyer … a beautiful lawyer named Claudia.  She is in fact the most beautiful lawyer in the world. 

I love the law, but I love the lawyer even more.  And don’t just take my word for it.  Many of America’s leading authorities on romance agree that lawyers make the best valentines. 

Take for example, Cosmopolitan Magazine.  It advertises itself as the magazine for “contemporary women” who seek “beauty, fashion, career, and sex advice.” 

In a recent edition, Cosmopolitan listed five reasons why you should choose a lawyer as your valentine. Actually, the article was entitled “Five Reasons to Date a Lawyer!”  But dating leads to romance which leads to valentines, so here are the five reasons why Cosmopolitan says you should pick a lawyer to be your valentine: 

1.         Lawyers are witty and well-mannered:   “They’ll impress people wherever they go, and when they speak, they’ll leave your friends green with envy!” 

2.         They always look good: “Lawyers are trained to dress well, so there is no need to be scared they’ll dress inappropriately when you want to introduce them to friends!” 

3.         They have financial stability and good prospects: “They won’t be parasites to you, since they have an amazing profession!  You’re covered!” 

4.         They’re very supportive: “They give support to people every day.  They’ll do much more for their boo!” 

5.         They love discussions and arguments, so you never get bored: “You will constantly be entertained with arguments, sound discussions, and very good stories!  You’ll always learn new things, and there is never going to be a dull moment for you!  They’ll give you the biggest deal ever, because you’ll never have to pay for legal services!”

While those are five compelling arguments, I have my doubts about the accuracy of the first one about lawyers always being “well-mannered.”  I have witnessed way too much evidence to the contrary. 

While Cosmopolitan gave five reasons to pick a lawyer to be your valentine, eHarmony, the on-line dating website, has gone several steps further, recently listing on 15 reasons to date a lawyer: 

1.         Quoting your date will make you sound smarter: “My boyfriend (girlfriend) is a lawyer and he (she) says …” 

2.         Your mom and dad will be impressed: “A lawyer in the family is always a good thing!” 

3.         Most lawyers are fantastic dressers. (“Yes, there is more than one suit in his/her closet.”) 

4.         Lawyers are financially secure. 

5.         Lawyers know how to present themselves well, and up the charm.  “Your date will likely make a great impression with your friends and colleagues.” 

6.         Your date will stand up for you, even when you’re wrong. 

7.         Lawyers are invited to interesting social events.  “Most of them include an open bar.” 

8.         Lawyers are very experienced negotiators and excel at conflict resolution. 

9.         Like to debate?  Your date is always up for that type of challenge. 

10.       Lawyers have good memories – or at least good notetaking skills. 

11.       Speaking of notetaking, there’ll be plenty of free legal pads lying around. 

12.       Your date will have interesting law-school stories (and lots of life experiences).   “As a general rule, lawyers work hard and play hard.” 

13.       Lawyers are eloquent, articulate and very insightful. 

14.       Eloquence is sexy.  So are briefcases. 

15.       If you ever need your partner’s services, he/she will work especially hard for you. 

Again I have doubts about a few of these, especially number 5, as many lawyers I know are in fact charm-challenged. 

Nevertheless, my own experience over the past 35 years confirms the advice of Cosmopolitan and eHarmony.  It’s great to love the law, but it’s even better to love a lawyer, so if you don’t already have a valentine, find a smart, attractive, clever lawyer, and send them this message:  Be my Valentine!


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